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There’s no such thing as “good” or “bad” emotions.

While that may seem a bit hard to digest at first blush, it’s something that proves itself to be true time and again. It isn't until you accept mistakes and failure as building blocks for success that you realize a blessing these negative emotions can be. Until you truly immerse yourself in the positive emotions of life, you cannot reap the rewards that come with adopting that mindset. It's truly about how productively you manage your negative and positive emotions. That's what emotionally intelligent people do well to live a rewarding life and career.

Earlier in my career, I was very much inspired by the incredible real-life story of the amazing, J.K. Rowling.

Before writing the first Harry Potter novel, J.K. Rowling lived with tremendous stress, often questioning herself. She almost let fear, disappointment, anguish and anger consume her. She endured terrible physical and emotional abuse from her ex-husband.

She viewed herself as a failure. Both personally and professionally, it was a bitter fall for a woman who had high expectations of herself. She knew she loved to write- and certainly had a talent for writing- but she was struggling with some internal demons.

How dire did her situation get? She was clinically-diagnosed with depression and even thought about taking the gravest action possible- committing suicide.

Yet incredibly, her drastic circumstances led her to write more and more. She grew out of the depths of depression and used these negative emotions to her advantage.

One of the greatest revelations we will find in our lives is the recognition that we can use positive and negative emotions to propel us toward a life fulfillment and success. Anger can be used to our advantage. So can awe, gratitude and pride, as well as sadness and guilt. Great success stories are built on frustration, anger, fear and pain, as well as wonder, faith and inspiration.

Similarly, hope and joy can catalyze us and lift us to new heights.

I’ll focus here on four common negative emotions that we can use and offer ways on how to recognize them through self-awareness and emotional intelligence:

Anger

The music of my youth reminds me that Zac de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine was right — “Anger is a gift.” It’s a very hard lesson to learn in life, but I’ve found it to be true. While anger can slice and wound us, it can also serve as a remarkable foundation that we can use to our advantage. The key here is to never actively want to live in an angry mindset.

Anger is more of an emotion that we are forced to react to, usually due to circumstances that occur to us. A prime example of this would be someone telling us we’re not good enough. Not getting the executive promotion we want. Having our startup idea rejected.

When these things happen, we can go in a lot of different ways. When we take on this anger, we can use it as powerful fuel to help motivate and inspire us. If we have clear direction in what we know we need to do next, anger can be the force that surges us forward. If you have an opportunistic mindset, anger can truly be a gift.

Fear

First things first, I ask you, what are you afraid of? Deep down — in your subconscious thoughts, what do you truly fear? The longer I’ve lived, the more I’ve realized that fear is most definitely a mislabeled emotion.

This piece from Harvard Business Review, by Matt Brubaker and Foster Mobley, takes into account four great ways to combat fear. It’s an excellent step-by-step process to incorporate emotional intelligence and break down four parts of fear and how this cycle manifests itself in our lives:

“Step 1: Acknowledge the Fear

Step 2: Interrogate the fear to better understand it

Step 3: Choose a different course of action

Step 4: Act on that choice — in a way that aligns with your values”

Attributes like acknowledging, confronting and choosing action and commitment are essential for dealing with fear. This brings out our self-awareness, empathy, self-care and the courage to combat fear. Absolutely essential for living life on our terms.

Awe

What leave you in awe? Think about that!

I think of the remarkable places I’ve been. The experiences of seeing my three children for the first time and continuing to live my dream of supporting my family through my entrepreneurial efforts. Think about the music, the romance with your partner, the events, family moments, achievements and more that have left you in awe.

Summon the magic of those moments and let them shower you with warmth, love, peace of mind and excitement. This visualization can empower, motivate and inspire you to work toward your goals each day. They can also bring life to your relationships.

Pride

I speak here about the good kind of pride — the one that give you a feeling of contentment, conviction and self-respect. Pride can re-assure us that we’re creating and doing things that are in alignment with what we value. Doing a kind act for someone else. I think of this always when I dedicate each day as a tribute to my family that I deeply love.

What are you proud about? Could be people, accomplishments, an activity or hobby of yours. Embrace this.

And embrace all of your emotions so that you can use them to your advantage.

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Looking to be a more emotionally intelligent leader? Reach out to me here: http://chrisdconnors.com

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To best position yourself for a life of happiness and success on your terms, it is vital to have a philosophy around what you hope to be, and what you intend to accomplish.

Some people call this a creed. I call it, establishing yourself. This is a written documentation that establishes three things:

1. Your purpose
2. Your direction
3. The substance of things that matter to you

Your purpose — or your raison d’être — is the reason why you’re doing what you’re doing with your life. I encourage you to look at this from a blank slate in order to get to the brass-tacks truth of what you really want your mission to be in life. This should be organic and developed only by you — free and unfettered from any influences or emotions of the moment.

Your direction is the process — and the actions you must take in order to fulfil the requirements of your plan. Too often people doubt themselves because they don’t think they’re ready to begin moving in the direction of what they want to accomplish.

They think it’s not their time, they’re lacking in a particular area or they’re too young. They’re hindered by limiting beliefs which beget doubt and fear.

Oftentimes, it simply makes sense to begin even with very tiny steps toward completing tasks and goals that match up with your purpose. This is where writing out your goals and putting them into a plan comes in.

This is your direction — the compass that will guide you when life gets in the way, you’re too busy, too tired or hungry. Planning is essential.

‘My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.’ — Maya Angelou

The substance of things that matter to you are part and parcel of your purpose and should be incorporated, as much as possible, into what you do each day. These are the core values, principles, people and things that bring enthusiasm and passion into your life. Also, the beliefs or activities that get you excited and mean something to you.

In other words — as Bono once sang, “all that you can’t leave behind.”

The Power of Planning

Successful businesses, schools, hospitals, sports teams and individuals begin by stating their goals and addressing how they intend to achieve them.

These collective individuals understand the importance of accountability and the power behind committing to a specific philosophy. They understand their purpose — what dedicating time and effort to a cause means and what taking ownership over something is all about.

Equally as important as writing a creed is to define — for yourself — what your definition of success is. Never let anyone else define success for you. You should always take the time to do this for yourself.

In a competitive landscape, it’s easy to be concerned with how others are doing. To stress and worry about such things is natural. It’s human.

But when you have established yourself, you’ll realize the power behind deciding for yourself how successful you can and will be. Your definition of success serves as the foundation for all future attempts at becoming who you hope to be. Several years ago, I wrote mine. Here it is:

‘To live each moment to the fullest by having a positive attitude, a smile and a genuine enjoyment for life, while giving everything I have to love the people and environment around me and make it a better place.’

You’ll notice that this is indeed a philosophy, a high-level view of how I’d like to conduct myself in this world, and a few of the actions I’d like to take. This is not a series of marching orders or specific goals intended for a short duration. Your philosophy is strategic, while short-term goal setting is tactical.

Setting goals helps you focus on specific things you aim to accomplish and how you plan to accomplish them. The creed is crucial for establishing the things that matter to you. This leads to the development of your own personal values and principles.

“Outstanding people have one thing in common: An absolute sense of mission.” — Zig Ziglar

There have likely been millions of thought impulses that have flashed through your mind during the course of your life — even for those of you in your teen years. These thought impulses are acted upon, left in the recesses of your subconscious mind or ignored. Your thoughts lead to your life’s experiences and those experiences are often shared in the company of others.

All of these things have an enormous impact on how you make decisions. Your decisions will impact your course in life and whether you will find yourself happy, ambivalent or disappointed.

When I think back to putting together my philosophy, I reminisce about past relationships, experiences, thought impulses and emotions. I think of the times when I’ve been happiest, times I’ve been down, moments of peace and distress, and the times I’ve found my greatest inspiration. My inspiration is derived from my core philosophy.

“A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history.” — Mahatma Gandhi

My motivation comes from the “fire” inside of me, the indescribable power that fuels my dreams and inner creativity. I acknowledge this “fire” as a gift that God has given me — a beautiful divine power that I believe all of us can tap into if we have the desire and we believe.

This power will lead us to personal freedom, greater clarity of thought, vitality and energy to bring into our everyday lives. All this requires is a willingness to believe in yourself, and the desire to get to the core of what fuels your inner fire. Introspection and deep, personal reflection are key to living a life of freedom.

They help us to analyze our experiences and thoughts, and determine how we can use them to our future advantage. They provide us with a greater sense of direction and purpose.

Once you have established yourself, you will become more confident, stronger in your convictions and you’ll have greater passion for living. You will begin living your future destiny.

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“I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.”

Those words are a reminder that empathy and kindness are two of the greatest gifts we will receive in life. I’ve had the good fortune of receiving these gifts for a long time now. The kindness has rubbed off on me in many ways, filtering down to the way I treat my clients, my family and friends. Those words above were from the woman that raised me — my mother.

When I was growing up, my Mom taught me how to treat myself and others with respect. She let me know that I’d need to adapt to the changing world around me, and encouraged me to think introspectively and learn about myself. It was crazy to think it possible that life could be any other way. I had a role model that lived her life with love, class and grace.

My mother is also an author, of sorts. Oh yeah — she’s the Maya Angelou of greeting cards. You pick a holiday — even ones that are a bit silly — and she’s got you covered.

St. Patrick’s Day ✔️

Valentine’s Day ✔️

Easter — you betcha ✔️

Labor Day… all right, let’s not get crazy. But you get the point!

Her handwritten cards were — and still are — a reminder to enjoy each moment — to make each occasion special. It’s helped me commit these times to memory and cherish the kindness and love that makes the “little things” in life such a huge part of living.

My Mom has shown me time and again what it means to live an emotionally intelligent life, and most importantly how to live one. I wanted to share the many lessons I’ve learned from her, as well as some of my own along the way. They’re the habits of emotionally intelligent people. They’ve helped me to live a fulfilling, productive and happy life — on my terms.

1. They personalize communications with kindness.

Take a page out of my mother’s greeting card collection. Let someone else know that you care. Be kind — not because it’s the contemporary buzzword or thing to do. Because it’s the right thing to do. Kindness and empathy are the habits of beautiful people. They are relationship multipliers. They show tremendous self-awareness and genuine care for others.

It takes thought to do this — be willing to go the extra mile and put yourself in the position of someone else. It’s an amazing feeling to be treated with kindness.

2. They devote time each day to self-care.

I used to look at certain things like massage, chiropractic care and coaching as premium services that weren’t at all necessary. It wasn’t until I started investing more in myself that I learned these were things that are essential to maintaining my equilibrium. What I mean is — these are game-changers for me that add value to my life and improve my well-being.

Emotionally intelligent people understand this and commit select items to habit that will work for them. Start with having a meditation practice, even if it’s five minutes per day. Look at the four dimensions of wellness:

• Physical
• Emotional
• Spiritual
• Mental

What can you do each day and week to nourish yourself and help your personal development? Focus on the emotional side. Seek things that will help you feel fulfilled, motivated and energized.

3. They use motivation and passion to power their day.

Living with passion and purpose motivate you to live the life you’ve always wanted. I’m very big on self-motivation. My top love language is words of affirmation, so I thrive on hearing these from people I love and trust. I also feed motivational and inspirational words of encouragement to myself subconsciously. Napoleon Hill was fond of using the term, “autosuggestion.”

I think of it as a pep talk from the heart. Think about how you feel when you think of the things that light the fire inside of you. Remind yourself of reaching your goals and doing so for the people you love.

4. They forge authentic connections with people.

This one for me is really simple. They invest their time and energy in people. They tell the people closest to them, “I love you.” They lead with a smile, their spirit is true and they genuinely have no airs about them. They’re real. Everyone knows it.

I think of my wife — an emotionally intelligent woman that has always told me the truth and showed me from day one that she wanted me to be happy. Every conversation with her has always been so real. This connection led to love. 8.5 years of marriage and three children later, this authentic connection has sparked a lifetime of happiness.

5. They know themselves in a deep, intimate way.

This begins with the foundational piece of emotional intelligence: self-awareness. Emotionally intelligent people know who they are — and just as important, who they are not. They understand what makes them happy, sad, angry, scared, thankful, in awe, and everything in between. They have a sense of purpose and do things with meaningful intention.

They invest time in personal development to become better wives, sisters, husbands, brothers, sons and daughters. They know that life isn’t a game — it’s a journey. What better journey than to know what makes you who you truly are, and then to share that gift with the world?

6. They view adversity as a growth opportunity.

From the ashes of every disappointment can rise an amazing blessing. This isn’t just some self-help gobbledygook. It’s the way I live my life. It’s the way I’ve seen emotionally intelligent people that I respect live their lives. When I’ve had my heart broken, when I was let go from a job, when I’ve dealt with bad injuries, I’ve always come back stronger and wiser.

Emotionally intelligent people successfully adjust to any challenge life throws at them. That’s called adaptability. It’s called resilience. It begins with a positive attitude and a belief powered by self-motivation that things are always going to get better. When you live your life like this, you grow and become even stronger for the next challenge.

7. They are intellectually curious and love helping others develop.

Last and certainly not least, emotionally intelligent people have an insatiable appetite for learning new things and helping others to develop and learn new things. The common theme you’ve surely seen is, emotionally intelligent people aren’t just in it for themselves. They want mutually beneficial outcomes that lead to true growth.

They love to help people become the best version of themselves because their actions are outward, while their thoughts are inward. In other words — they spend time thinking about creating the kind of world they want themselves and others to live in. One with wonder, love, joy and happiness. They then commit their actions to create that world and do so with passion.

Becoming an emotionally intelligent person is something every one of us can do. We all have the power to love, learn deeper about ourselves and do kind things for others. We can all learn to take better care of ourselves, adapt to difficult circumstances and motivate ourselves to reach our peak potential. It begins with habits — the secret sauce that puts a life of fulfillment well within our grasp.

Join my newsletter for emotional intelligence and productivity content! and Check out my Amazon bestseller, Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader.

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The #1 factor that holds people back is fear. Fear stops you before you even begin to discover your true potential and it makes you self-conscious and doubtful. The truth is, the best advice we can heed sometimes is to mind our own business and focus on making ourselves the best we can — for us.

20 years ago, a hilarious experiment was conducted by a psychologist that serves as a microcosm for the way we see ourselves in the world. In fact, it’s also a reflection for the way we perceive society to see us. Psychologist Thomas Gilovich decided to take a deeper look at ego, self-consciousness and shame. What he and his peers found was remarkable.

Paul Bloom recounts from this 2000 experiment by Gilovich:

“Gilovich and his colleagues asked undergraduates to wear a piece of clothing that they found embarrassing — a t-shirt with a picture of singer-songwriter Barry Manilow on it. After putting on the shirt, the undergraduates had to spend some time in a room with other students and were later asked to guess how many of the other students noticed what they were wearing. The undergraduates tended to overestimate the proportion by a large margin, and did the same when asked to wear a t-shirt with a positive image on it, like Bob Marley or Martin Luther King Jr. In study after study, experimental subjects thought that other people would notice them much more than they actually did.”

Barry Manilow! How embarrassing! What?! Look him up, my friends!

Talk about a hilarious study in self-perception, ego and how much people’s opinions of us really matter. The thing is — most people aren’t paying nearly as close attention as we think. And yet, so many of us go on thinking this and it can destroy us if we let it. It may not show on the outside.

But what about on the inside? This is where it gets challenging.

Other people never know the burdens we bear in private, nor the B.S. we add to our lives by living in worry and fear about what others think. Stress, anxiety, depression, mood swings, highs and lows. Even some of the people closest to us don’t see that from their view. But as we know on the inside, it’s there.

Self-Consciousness and Ego

When you find yourself peering over your shoulder to what one of your competitors, friends or co-workers has, remember to hit the reset button and take a deep breath.

When you feel like you have a huge, bright red-flashing sign over you carrying some emotional baggage that everyone’s noticing — relax. You don’t. And even if you did, would others really notice? You’re only hurting yourself by getting caught up in the shadow that isn’t really there.

Michael Gervais points out in this brilliant HBR article that the cycle of worrying about what others think can have a domino effect:

“If you start paying less and less attention to what makes you you — your talents, beliefs, and values — and start conforming to what others may or may not think, you’ll harm your potential. You’ll start playing it safe because you’re afraid of what will happen on the other side of the critique. You’ll fear being ridiculed or rejected. When challenged, you’ll surrender your viewpoint. You won’t raise your hand when you can’t control the outcome. You won’t go for that promotion because you won’t think you’re qualified.”

Build the life you want without struggling mightily on the inside. Sacrifice the emotional baggage you don’t need in order to get to where you want to be. You’ll flourish mentally, emotionally and spiritually if you jettison fear of what others might think to the side.

Learn more about how to overcome fear and grow as a leader: http://chrisdconnors.com.

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“The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.” — William James

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We, the people of the world, are living in a results-driven culture. We see it in the workplace. We’re reminded of it on television. It’s plastered all over billboards and social media. ‘If you achieve something — anything — then that will come to define you. And those results, are all that really matters,’ they tell us. You and I both know that’s a bunch of rubbish.

We’re fed a Be — Do — Have system of thinking. It all culminates in a bottom-line approach. “Show me the money.” “What have you done for me lately?” In reality, this obsession with results matters so very little when juxtaposed against our life’s journey. Results don’t quite measure up to the minutes and hours lived in the “Be” and “Do” states. Results take time. They’re often goals we work toward.

And work, we should, toward our goals and dreams. I’m a chief proponent of this! Just know, your energy is far better spent and focused on living each moment of the day with vim, vigor and full immersion in the “Be” and “Do” activities. As you’ll see, I also encourage you to recognize that you likely currently have something great going. You just have to appreciate it for what it is.

We can find happiness, fulfillment and a sense of our purpose in the world in all three stages. Where we get lost and suffer is when we fixate too much on the future — what we don’t have. When we long for these results that may not even be what we truly want at heart. This leads to anxiety and a hollow feeling that leaves us empty and unsatisfied.

Building Your Foundation

Results are both objective and subjective. Some people live their life trying to achieve particular results because they think it will make their parents, boyfriend, girlfriend or classmates proud. While those are wonderful complements and side effects, they should not be the reasons why you do what you do. The results you strive for should be for your own self-satisfaction.

Look at this small graph below of “Be”, “Do” and “Have.” I believe for far too long, our culture has obsessed over the results. As a result, there’s little attention paid to the fine details like values, beliefs, attitude and effort. These qualities form the backbone — the foundation — of who we are! We cannot possibly achieve big things in life if we bypass these important steps.

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We need values to help shape our behavior and outlook on life. Our values become a reflection of the way we see ourselves. We behave in accord to the way we think and the values we hold dear. Take Steve Jobs for instance. He wasn’t a very religious man. But he was a man of great faith and conviction. He believed fervently in placing trust in ourselves — in anything — for the future, then working toward it with enthusiasm and dedication.

Once you have the “Do” and “Be” down, then you reap the results. Right? Or not right? Have you been paying attention?! Let me flip the script on you.

You Have It

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” — Shannon L. Alder

What if you started living each day — leading with the “Have”? What I mean by this is, let’s say you’re an up and coming business executive. You want to create a great path to success. Chances are, you’re already doing great work, building up your leadership skill set and even getting dynamic results. You have big goals for yourself, but you know you're not yet where you want to be. So you doubt. You feel you need external validation, when in reality you need powerful self-motivation that fuels inner-validation.

In reality, your vision of “Have” may be what you already have going for you right now. You’re on a journey that’s chock full of great rides, turns and changes. Start living in that moment. That is the “Have”!!

But what if you do some introspective searching and find that you really aren’t completely happy with your current state? Then start making our future state — your Have — a reality now. You may not have exactly what you want yet, but start acting like you do. Start imagining exactly what the “Have” looks like. Get a picture so vivid, it would make Michelangelo blush.

Envision exactly what this looks like. Lead with this. Live a life that celebrates your future success. Then, start being and doing what that is. It’s a philosophical and cultural paradigm shift that will change the way you live your life each day. It will propel you toward living your dream faster than you ever could have imagined.

It’s how you create a legacy and make the most of each moment.

Looking to build your legacy? Reach out to me and learn about the coaching work I do with organizations and leaders.

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