Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ultimate game-changer for living a happy, healthy and rewarding life because it is a skill set all of us can grow and attain. The beauty of EQ is that it’s all-inclusive and accessible to every one of us.

Like any skill worth improving, it’s something we must devote time to building.

Let’s first define what emotional intelligence is. Peter Salovey, the President of Yale University and John Mayer, say that it is the ability to:

“Recognize, understand and manage our own emotions. Recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others. In practical terms, this means being aware that emotions can drive our behavior and impact people (positively and negatively), and learning how to manage those emotions — both our own and others.”

This article will teach you how emotionally intelligent people recognize, understand and manage their emotions, as well as the emotions of others. As the author of an upcoming book on emotional intelligence, I’ve dedicated my life to studying how to use it, and helping organizations and leaders transform their personal and professional lives by leveraging its power.

I’ll show you how you can improve your emotional intelligence each day to live a happier and healthier life. Let’s first begin with self-awareness, a skill we can continuously work on and improve on our own.

They Have a Healthy Relationship With Self

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” — Aristotle

Self-awareness is the ability to understand ourselves, the way we feel, why we feel that way and to use that knowledge to continuously, learn, and improve. At its core — self-awareness is an intimate evolutionary process of self-discovery that elicits joy, pain, discomfort, curiosity and strength. Because getting to know yourself isn’t easy work — it’s hard, but always worth it.

Self-awareness helps you to discover your passion, values, purpose, mission and goals. It brings clarity and allows you to make sense of your past, present and future, all while you evolve as an analytical, reflective thinker. To give love, hope and joy to others, you first must know yourself and what you’re capable of giving. Self-awareness allows this magical work to take place.

Dr. Tasha Eurich puts forth:

“Leaders ”who focus on building both internal and external self-awareness, who seek honest feedback from loving critics, and who ask what instead of why can learn to see themselves more clearly — and reap the many rewards that increased self-knowledge delivers.”

How to improve self-awareness:

• Develop a mindfulness practice for 30 minutes each day to listen to your thoughts, analyze them and allow yourself to experience those emotions
• Determine the values that give meaning to your life (e.g. honesty, faith)
• Clarify what you want most out of life and why you feel that way
• Practice self-care and speak positive words of affirmation over your life

They Prioritize What’s Important

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Happy and healthy people that live with high emotional intelligence are able to regulate their emotions and prioritize what is most important to them. The best visual representation I’ve ever seen of how to assess your wants and needs in life comes from the great Dr. Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” seen here:

Self-management is how you use self-awareness to help you manage your emotions and do so in a way that aligns with your values. It helps you to battle adversity and overcome limiting beliefs and barriers that stand in your way. It gives you the confidence and tools to plan your day in accordance with what you want to do to become happier, healthier and more productive.

How to prioritize what’s most important:

• Plan your day into time blocks; You don’t need to plan every minute; Group your time into categories that align with your values and goals
• Declare the things in your life that are essential (needs) and create a prioritized list of the things you value the most (this will allow you to place an emphasis on how you manage your time)
• Do the “Big Rocks” Activity:

Big Rocks= What are the most important parts of your day?

• (Possible Examples): Family time, writing, job presentation, learning, rest

Pebbles= What are the things that need to get done? The more urgent/necessary items?

• (Possible Examples): Work task; paying bills; writing a term paper

Sand= What are the “little pieces” that supplement your bigger ones?

• (Possible Examples): Planning; Helping team members; Professional Development

Water= What is the glue that holds it all together for you?

• (Possible Examples): Defined success & purpose; your values; knowing who you serve; why what you do matters

They Use Adversity to Improve

“You should never view your challenges as a disadvantage. Instead, it’s important for you to understand that your experience facing and overcoming adversity is actually one of your biggest advantages.” — Michelle Obama

Emotionally intelligent people are able to use adversity, challenges, mistakes, and failures as a fuel that powers them to greater growth and opportunity. Instead of living in fear, worry or insecurity, emotionally intelligent people embrace every circumstance of life and always live with a positive attitude and great work ethic.

There’s no avoiding adversity. We have to face it head-on, with confidence in our minds and courage in our hearts. Chances are, you have faced considerable adversity in your life. How are you handling it? Do you run away and hope it will blow over or do you face it head-on and resolve to change your circumstances? The answer will determine your happiness and health.

How to overcome adversity and use it for motivation:

• View every difficult circumstance as a challenge; use your self-awareness identify opportunities for you to grow and set goals to come out stronger
• Give yourself a daily “pep talk” that involves positive thoughts, affirmations and visualization of you doing things that make you happy
• Identify the fears you feel; ask yourself, how is this helping me?

They Have A Mastery of Their Emotions

“It is necessary to try to surpass one’s self always: this occupation ought to last as long as life.” — Queen Christina of Sweden

Self-management is how you use self-awareness to manage your emotions in a way that aligns with your values and beliefs. It helps you to battle adversity and overcome limiting beliefs and barriers that stand in your way. Thought and identification is the first step, but taking action to regulate your emotions is what leads to happiness and mental and emotional health.

I’m a big believer in “temperature checks” when it comes to regulating our emotions. Ask yourself the tough questions so you can properly assess how you’re doing: “What am I doing to confront fear?” “How did I handle myself in a work setting where I was confronted or challenged?” “Did I let my excitement distract me from getting done what I needed to do?”

How to manage your positive and negative emotions:

• Let your positive emotions like joy, love, gratitude and awe propel you forward and help you focus on your most important matters
• Prevent negative emotions like fear, anger and envy from ruining your day; instead, understand why you’re feeling this way so you can manage yourself with confidence and a level-head to be happy and healthy
• Visualize exactly how you’d like to respond to both positive and negative emotions and put this in writing for yourself. This will give you the recognition in each moment that will help you manage yourself

They Seek to Enrich Others Lives

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” — Alfred Adler

The saying, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is The Golden Rule, and actually predates the time of Jesus Christ. It is thousands of years old and among the finest wisdom every given to the world. It’s benefited mankind in so many ways and stands the test of time because it is outward seeking and connection-forming.

It prompts us to take the position of someone else, to show that we care and that we’re willing to give them our time, attention and yes, even love. Empathy is: “The capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.”

Self-awareness precedes empathy, so focus first on how you can help yourself. As they say, during a time of turbulence or danger on an airplane, you must reach for the mask for yourself first before you can help others. After you do, you can invest your time in others and show them that you care. You can lead with your heart and help bring joy, happiness and peace to someone’s life.

How to enrich someone else’s life:

• Be a good listener. Leave your own agenda at the door. Show them that you care by listening and putting yourself in their position
• Devote time and energy to do one kind act for someone else at least once per week; this is a great way to build relationships out of selfless love
• Help them learn something new or make a connection to someone that can help them achieve their goals

Remember:

We all have the power to improve emotional intelligence every day and grow this skill set and use it to our advantage. This is a power well within your control and it will help you become happier, more fulfilled and healthier.

• Work on the relationship you have with yourself every day and make it your masterpiece
• Make what’s most important to you the way you live your life
• Don’t let adversity stop you; let it fuel your path forward
• Become a master of managing your good and bad emotions so that the decisions you make are a product of your values and beliefs
• Make a point to improve the life of someone else each day

Learn more at http://chrisdconnors.com

Emotionally intelligent people are introspective thinkers that genuinely seek to do good and give back to the world. Their inner-life is filled with analytical, curious thoughts, authentic being, and a desire to give their gifts to the world. They care about other people and as a result, their actions are reflected in love, altruism, and social good.

A great example of an emotionally intelligent person is Gary Vaynerchuk. The man is a master of motivation, highly self-aware and compassionate. He’s growing his business, surely, but he’s also giving his knowledge to many entrepreneurs and future leaders. Clearly, he’s not only thinking about “what’s in it for him.” He’s thinking outward and giving to others.

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.” — Marcus Aurelius

Another emotionally intelligent person is Sara Blakely, the billionaire entrepreneur and founder of Spanx. She's used her platform to promote equal opportunity for female entrepreneurs and businesswomen. She knows herself well, is highly self-motivated, and thanks to her great business background, very able to handle adversity. She’s confident and comfortable in her own skin.

I thought it would be helpful to phrase this post in terms of things that emotionally intelligent people don’t think. Our thought life regulates and influences our emotions and thus, our actions. So, as a result, it’s important to eliminate negative, harmful thoughts. Here are three negative thoughts emotionally intelligent people don’t have:

“I’m So Overwhelmed I Don’t Know What to Do”

An emotionally intelligent person is able to “slow the game down” and self-manage their anxiety so that it doesn’t harm them. This is not to suggest they don’t experience stress. All of us do and none of us are immune to it. They’re able to process these emotions, understand they aren’t helpful, and focus on what is most fulfilling for their lives.

Emotionally intelligent people are able to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions in a way that enables them to keep going with confidence and courage.

One way to slow down aggressive, anxious thoughts is to quiet your mind by spending time in solitude. Using an app like Insight Timer or Headspace to practice mindfulness and meditation is a great start. You can listen to calming, soothing music. Speaking positive words of affirmation will help you in times of crisis. Don’t fall victim to feeling overwhelmed.

Realize how empowering it is that you have control over your thoughts, words, and actions. When you know what you want and the way this makes you feel, you’re best informed to live each day with joy and confidence.

“Nurture your soul with positive thoughts and internal happiness will blossom before your eyes.” Melanie Koulouris

“I Don’t Even Know Myself”

Think of self-awareness like this: it’s the art of knowing yourself. So, how do you know yourself? You get clear on what you’re passionate about — what lights the fire inside of you and motivates you to live the life you want. You have a bedrock foundation of values and principles like honesty and discipline.

You have a purpose that gives you clarity about what you want to do. This purpose is informed by the basics of knowing yourself and being clear about who you are — and who you’re not. Emotionally intelligent people get to know their actions in an intimate way. They don’t live in despair about past mistakes, failures, or frustrations.

They don’t live a frustrated life by not even understanding their true self.

Emotionally intelligent people live in the present with a clear mind focused on achieving goals and living with a positive attitude and persistence. They practice self-care and know exactly what motivates and inspires them, as well as what is in their best interest. They know how important it is to figure out who they are and what they want.

Remember, happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think. — Dale Carnegie

“I Don’t Care About Anyone Else”

The antithesis of empathy is a focus only on ourselves with a lack of care and concern — both for ourselves and for our fellow woman and man. Self-centered thinking defies an open-minded, authentic approach to living. Empathy, at its core, is a willingness to take the position of another person and identify with their emotions and feelings.

If we’re only focused on ourselves, we’re unable to do that.

If you only want to stay focused on yourself with no regard for your neighbor, friends, or colleagues, then you’ll find life to be very challenging. We live in an interdependent world where our success, happiness, and fulfillment lie in our ability to build relationships and create opportunities with others.

Empathy means that we must listen and give our attention to others in an effort to lift them up. This investment in another person is well worth it.

Remember — self-awareness, empathy, and self-management are the keys to living an emotionally intelligent life. Adapting to change and finding the motivation each day to live your best life will help you avoid the negatives.

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Instinctively, we always seek to gain control. We may not think of it as such, but ask yourself this question: what does it feel like to not have influence or control over a situation? It’s an uncomfortable feeling. It makes us feel helpless.

The more I’ve evaluated my conduct and thought impulses in relationships over the years, the more I’ve come to understand how much I crave control. It’s human and natural. But there are consequences. When we live with the results of a mindset conditioned toward control, it ends up backfiring on us.

Emotional Intelligence and Influence

“Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.” — Dale Carnegie

What do you crave having control over most? Money? Time? Someone else’s decisions? As an author of two books, I recognize how much I crave time in solitude for using my creative imagination. What resonates most for you?

Take a step back in reflection and you’ll realize no one likes being controlled by another person. We do, however, like to be influenced. Influences begin in our thoughts which are imbued by emotions. The more we lead with self-awareness and empathy, the better we are for someone else.

In order to progress in our relationships, we are far better suited to aim for influence over outcomes, as opposed to striving for control over things we cannot control. By working toward influence in relationships, we gain new insights, develop empathy and practice listening with greater intention. We genuinely want to understand another human being.

That makes both us and the object of our affection better.

At the intersection of understanding our emotions and influence, we find greater insights into how to improve our relationships. Dr. Alex Lickerman shares his thoughts on the topic of emotions in relationships and how the power of influence makes a big difference:

The price of having satisfying relationships, then, lies in the fact that others will often not do as we want, frustrating us, yes, but also challenging us to become our better selves. And if we succeed in becoming those, we may, through the power of influence, help them to become theirs.

Six Key Principles of Relationship Influence

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. — Thomas Merton

35 years ago, Dr. Robert Cialdini wrote a landmark book entitled, “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.” In this book, he highlights six key principles of influence:

• Reciprocity
• Consistency/Commitment
• Social Proof
• Authority
• Liking
• Scarcity

All six of these principles help you to gain influence that leads to healthier, happier relationships. How do you plan to find the person you want to marry or enter into a long-term partnership with? All of these relationships scenarios require the power of influence!

Reciprocity

Reciprocity is about doing something kind or generous for someone else, in the hopes that gesture may be returned in kind. I only try to do things that are genuinely in rhythm with my heart and mind’s desire. I want to help my wife. I want to do nice things for my friends. I love it when they return the favor, though I make every effort to give without expecting anything in return.

This is a servant leader’s mindset and it’s one seasoned with empathy and love.

Consistency/Commitment

Commitment is absolutely critical in relationships, so there’s no wonder we consciously work to commit to our partner or friend. Commitment is about gaining “buy-in” and trust from another person, by showing yourself to be trustworthy and honest. Commitment also involves eliminating distractions and focusing on what matters most to you and your partner.

Social Proof

Social proof is a relational currency of “peer pressure.” Social proof influences and inspires us to do good for someone else — to build a powerful, lasting relationship — because we observe that person, or others, doing the same. We want to do that which we hold in high esteem and observe to be compassionate and loving.

Authority

When aiming to influence, authority is often the most important factor. In the context of relationships, it means making a commitment to someone or doing something more lasting that shows confidence. In emotional intelligence, this is about self-management and the nuances of social skills to show someone that you are confident capable and able to be trusted in a relationship.

Liking

For liking, this is all about self-awareness. Sensitivity and self-awareness toward our emotions and the emotions of others. Furthermore, it’s the ability to use that awareness to help better manage our responses to ourselves and others. The more we influence our emotions — and the emotions of others — with positive thoughts and altruistic actions, the more we are liked.

Scarcity

Scarcity influences our behavior by often citing a diminishing amount of time or a limitation in some capacity. In relationships, we often hear, “I can’t wait forever,” when it comes to a partner waiting for a proposal. I suppose the same words could be used by my wife when I’m lagging behind to get ready in the morning!

Scarcity influences behavior by impressing importance on the value of time.

We all need methods to influence. Don’t mistake influence for manipulation. It’s far from it. Influence is an effort to gain alignment and unification with another person in a relationship. It begins with emotional intelligence.

Strive for this over control. Your desire to influence should tie back to your core values, innate personal desires and a call to do good. Follow this and you will live a life true to yourself.

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“I will not let anything get in the way of me and my competitive enthusiasm to win.” — Michael Jordan

Motivation isn’t fluff. It’s the fuel that will power your biggest goals and dreams. We’ve seen this in the outstanding documentary on ESPN, “The Last Dance” which prominently features former Chicago Bulls superstar, Michael Jordan. Jordan is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player — and athlete — to ever live. His secret was self-motivation.

​What separated Jordan from every other player wasn’t just his desire to win. It wasn’t just his desire to be the best. What made Jordan the all-time greatest player was the unquenchable fire and self-motivation that powered him from one incredible achievement to the next. The man absolutely refused to be held down for long.

He was cut from his high school varsity basketball team while a sophomore at Laney HS in Wilmington, NC. He played at the junior varsity level that season and dominated, but did not join the varsity team until his junior year. Incredible, yes, as it’s a wonder the Laney HS boys varsity basketball coach kept his job!

The bigger picture is part of the mystique of why Jordan became the player he did.

Being told he wasn’t good enough for varsity-inspired Jordan to work harder than ever before. He practiced for several hours each day, all throughout the year, and used this experience as the turning point of his life. Jordan owned self-motivation and hard work like few people ever have. He willed himself into becoming the best.

He played with a burning desire, showing a fire for basketball that fueled his rise to the top of the game.

3 Ways Michael Jordan Became the Greatest Ever

​Michael Jordan wasn’t the greatest because he was the most talented. He wasn’t perfect. He got knocked down repeatedly and chose to get up each time. He failed many times so that he could succeed triumphantly. He once famously said:

“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Jordan’s motivation manifested itself in the preparation that went into wanting to be the best and win. The fact is, not everyone was willing to put in the work the way Jordan did. His legendary inner-motivation led to a fiercely competitive desire that fueled every ounce of his preparation.

Here are three ways motivation and mindset fueled Jordan to become the greatest athlete ever:

1. Jordan used his failures and losses to fuel him for his next challenge

After losing three consecutive years to the Detroit Pistons in the NBA Playoffs, Jordan made the Pistons the object of his incredible self-motivation to overcome, win and reach his goals. Starting in 1991, he won his first NBA title and went on to win six championships in the next eight years.

2. He practiced and worked harder and longer when he realized he wasn’t getting the results he wanted

Jordan was an incredible individual talent, but he wasn’t winning championships after six years in the league. He started working harder and putting in more time with his teammates in the gym. His legendary work ethic made players like Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant and B.J. Armstrong better.

3. Jordan respected his competition, but always viewed himself as the best and visualized himself winning

Jordan feared no man. He saw himself as the greatest. He practiced and worked hard so he could be the greatest. He fed his mind powerful, positive affirmations and visualized himself winning MVP’s, championships and scoring titles. He achieved all of these things many times over.

​Motivation as Your Guide

It cannot be understated just how important motivation is on your journey to success. Motivation leads to consistency, discipline, desire, enthusiasm, and strengthens your willpower. Motivation goes far beyond extrinsic factors like money, the proverbial “corner office,” or even what you think others might think of those benefits.

​Motivation can be integrated into your morning routine, as well as the thoughts, words, and ideas that propel you forward to doing great work.

Motivation provides you with a foundation of desire, love, and enjoyment for spending time with your family and the people you care about most.

Of course, motivation alone won’t make you happy, successful, or fulfilled. But it’s a foundational element of living the life you want. It’s part of the core of emotional intelligence. It’s truly about the fire that burns bright inside you, and how you link that to beneficial and worthy causes for the greater good.

Jordan’s Ascent to the Top

It took Michael Jordan seven years in the NBA before he won his first championship. Prior to reaching the mountaintop of professional basketball, he was physically, mentally, and emotionally beaten down by his peers. And for some people, that would have been enough to submit to feeling like they weren’t good enough.

Jordan, on the other hand, was slowly churning with a motivation that would reach its apex in the early 1990s when he began to take over the basketball world and win championships every season. That flame was never extinguished. Jordan’s legendary motivation fueled his competitive desire to always be the best and give his best in each moment.

Motivation was the secret of Michael Jordan’s success. It’s why we remember him today as the greatest athlete of all time. When you can couple motivation with a positive attitude, hard work ethic, and consistency, you can achieve anything. This is the example of Michael Jordan. It’s ours to follow if we’re willing to take up the gauntlet.

Learn how to use motivation to your advantage: http://chrisdconnors.com