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More than any other skill, emotional intelligence will drive you to a life of fulfillment, success and high-performance in your personal and professional endeavors. Understanding how and why your emotions influence your behavior helps you make more intelligent decisions, enabling you to identify opportunities and live a successful life on your terms.

So the first question is, what is emotional intelligence?

“The ability to recognize, understand and manage our own emotions; to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others.”

The next question is, how do we apply it and use it to our advantage? By describing the qualities that represent emotional intelligence, we can closer understand how we can apply it and use it to our advantage. Take decision-making for example.

Every one of us has different reasons for why we do, what we do, though often, it’s the unifying themes of purpose that leave a lasting impact. In order to know our purpose, we need to have a high self-awareness — a cornerstone piece of emotional intelligence.

What makes you emotionally intelligent? I’ve found in most people that I coach, it’s often the parts of their process — the benevolent passion or cause that stokes the fire inside of them — which enables them to make a difference in the world.

Check out my top-ranked LinkedIn Learning course: Leading with Emotional Intelligence!

It’s watching that process at work — observing an individual totally immerse their heart, mind and soul into doing work that is special and life changing. It’s purpose-driven, lofty yet also practical and it aims to serve others. If you’re only “in it” for yourself, others will spot that and be less likely to help you. Plus, you’ll be lacking empathy.

We need to adapt, learn and grow on our ascent up the mountain. Here are four qualities that I have distilled from my research, business experience, as well as observations in coaching and personal relationships that make an emotionally intelligent person.

1. They Have a “Why.”

A strong spirit transcends rules. — Prince

They have a purpose that transcends humanity and speaks to a desire to make a difference that may take a lifetime worth of work. They’re OK with the time commitment and they possess the requisite patience. They know what matters most to them and they’re diligently working, at some point of each day, on how to get it. Everything circles back to their “Why.”

Ask yourself these questions: why does the work you’re doing matter? Who is it serving? Sara Blakely is a woman who has always asked these questions and it’s benefited her in turning her company Spanx into a billion-dollar enterprise.

2. They’re Creative, Imaginative Thinkers of Bold Ideas

If you are always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be” — Maya Angelou

Emotionally intelligent people are analytical, reflective thinkers that are always ruminating on big ideas. Every time an idea pops into their head, they think about how they can use it to make the world a better place. They influence these ideas with emotion and a critical mind to make sure they are worthy of supporting their “Why.”

Through all of their various interactions, they identify the tools, technology, people and resources that will help you on your mission. Each day is a greater challenge for you to think more creatively and to inspire yourself to be even more creative than the day before.

3. They Have Very High Self-Awareness

Highly self-aware people possess time-tested values that enable them to make sense of what they’re doing. They have self-control and discipline over the performance and management of their day, and how the results of their work impact the people and world around them. They’re confident in their abilities because they know themselves in an intimate, profound way.

They work on developing others and living with empathy and love first. They’re authentic and original not because they try too hard, but because they’re excellent at simply being themselves.

4. They Desire to Persevere and Make The Most of Any Situation

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” — Napoleon Hill

As with anything in life worth pursuing or achieving, you have to want it and be willing to adapt your mindset and behavior to get it. A great quote is this one from Eric Thomas, whose inspiring message has impacted millions of people:

“When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful.” — Eric Thomas

You have to want it! “It” can be the best intentions and results for the person you care about, the goal you’re looking to reach or the challenging time that you’re fighting through. You have to persevere and keep going each day. This comes when you set goals, live life with purpose and are willing to overcome adversity through your thoughts, words and actions.

Remember

You can live your life with purpose.

You can use your creative imagination to think of bold ideas

You can know yourself in a deep way.

You can live with passion and desire and persevere through adversity.

All of these qualities of the world’s most emotionally intelligent leaders are yours for the taking.

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Here’s a harsh life truth that you’ll never hear in your formative years — there is a very high probability you will not discover what you truly want to do when you’re young. The life you want — the one that will bring you equanimity, joy and splendor — will reveal itself to you gradually throughout the course of your life.

This test of time will occasionally be glorious, and it will also challenge you to your core. Your quest to find yourself will lead you into hobbies, schools, jobs and relationships you couldn’t have imagined when you were young.

If it seems that things are taking “too long,” know it won’t be out of lack of desire or joy for life. It will take you time to learn what job, career, hobby or activity you will choose to fill your schedule. That thing that combines your passion with determination and a track record that says — I’m good at this. I know it. And so does everyone else.

That’s fine. In this age of “winning,” life is surely not won in just one month or one year. The journey of success is as old as time. Those who continue to grow in intellect, who search for knowledge, who choose to be lifelong learners, who never, ever, ever give up on finding happiness and success will win. And victory, or success, or fulfillment, however you want to name it, is defined and determined by you.

It always will be.

The Good, The Bad and What’s Next

“Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th.” — Julie Andrews

No matter how much our digital, vastly interconnected world continues to push the limits of social judgment, pressure and identification, it simply won’t matter if you resist these temptations, and allow your mind to control your destiny. From there, once you’ve forged your plan, determined what it is you want and endlessly worked to become great at that thing — continue to keep doing it for all your days in this world.

That is a blessing. It’s a gift. You’ll only know it once you’re living it.

Don’t get caught up in trying to have things all figured out at once. The beauty of your life’s journey is that you’ll learn through the process of elimination what you truly love, and what isn’t worth your time. Through opportunities, simply by showing up and expressing a hearty interest, you’ll learn what inspires, motivates and lights the fire inside of you.

You’ll also learn what leads you to boredom, what frustrates you and what you know you struggle with learning and grasping. You’ll learn what you’re destined NOT to do. This is absolutely as important, if not more important, than what you love most. The sooner you discover this, the less time you’ll spend in pain, anxiety and hurt. You’ll avoid wasted time. And spend your time on the good stuff.

The Thing is The Thing

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak." — Thomas Carlyle

Let me preface the rest of this piece with this very important statement:

Perseverance is sometimes mistaken. To never give up when you’re doing the wrong thing is foolish. Only a crazy person would continue doing the same wrong thing over and over again expecting a positive and different result. That, as the cliche goes, is the definition of insanity.

So it’s reasonable to say that perseverance is all about finding your right thing. Doing you and continuing through both the good times and bad. Adversity, setbacks and doubt will be no match when you believe in yourself and you understand that the “long game” is the only one worth playing. The instant gratification quick-win scheme you’re being sold is for the foolish and naïve.

One of the beautiful things about perseverance is the more you buy-in to this all-powerful value, the more your thought about the beauty of life evolves. Life is magnanimous. You start to believe this and have this revealed to you once you become more optimistic about continuing to forge forward through the good times and the bad.

Speaking of evolution, I thought a fantastic example about one of the most famous figures in history was well suited for this piece. Most people know of Charles Darwin as the man who helped to establish the theory of evolution, which spoke about natural selection and where the species of life came from. Few realize just how long it took the man to get to the point of putting his work out for public consumption.

On the Origin of Species was published in 1859 by Charles Darwin when he was 50 years old. 50! Don’t be too harsh on yourself when you’re a little less than famous at the age of 28! Darwin traveled the world as a young man during his early-mid 20s, gathering much of the information he needed to form the basis of his theory.

Still, he had his own doubts. He had doubts on what others would think of his “radical” new scientific research. The man was far ahead of his time and skeptics were everywhere. But he believed passionately in what he was doing and he kept moving forward.

Darwin’s five-year voyage around the world on HMS Beagle, which ended in 1836, provided him with invaluable research that contributed to the development of his theory of evolution and natural selection. Concerned, however, about the public and ecclesiastical acceptance of his deeply radical idea, he did not present his theory on evolution until 1858… The next year, Darwin published his seminal work, “The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection.” Source: History Channel

Over 20 years after he made his way around the world, Darwin finally entered the spotlight. He loved nature. But he didn’t know where it would lead him. The man spent the bulk of his years following his voyage around the world writing on geology! It took him a while to find his thing.

Darwin continued to advance his hypothesis and seek worldly acceptance throughout the latter stages of his life. As the years passed, his research on evolution began to be accepted as fact by society. Charles Darwin meticulously researched something he was passionate and fascinated by, and persevered at a later age to advance a revolutionary breakthrough in biology.

Know Who You Are So You Can Rise

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." — Maya Angelou

In my own life, I’ve learned to grow and persevere against both personal and professional adversity. I’ve had my heart broken. I pressed forward and found the woman of my dreams. I’ve been rejected from publications where I’d like my writing. I’ve kept writing and found ones I love to write for. I’ve had speaking gigs canceled due to the pandemic; I pushed forward and dared to find the next opportunity.

Does this sound like you?

I’ve used these moments as life-changing turning points. It’s driven me to become a bestselling author, leading global leadership speaker and family man. I forge forward every day, sometime in big steps, sometimes in small steps, to build a life I can be proud of, firmly on the foundation of what matters most to me.

Fame? Fortune? 450,000 Instagram followers or a millionaire founder of a super-successful tech startup? These lofty aspirations and titles are yours if you declare that you want to do them and continue working toward them each day with dedication, intelligent work and perseverance. Just know you should take your time. Know that even if this is what you want, it’s not going to happen right away. It may not reveal itself at age 27.

And that’s just fine. Life is more fun that way. There’s simply nothing as invigorating as continuing to get to know yourself, your growth as a woman or man, and the lifelong process of self-discovery that will lead you to love, happiness and stretching the limits of what you ever could have imagined was possible. Keep going and find yourself on this remarkable journey called life.

Discover more about how to build your journey: http://chrisdconnors.com

The combination of vulnerability, acceptance and the will to change form the most powerful combination in helping you get your most powerful results.

Embracing your good and bad, becoming accepting and confident in your abilities, and where you’re not confident, becoming vulnerable and courageous enough to explore, will lead you to the life and career you’ve always wanted. We take enormous strides in our development when we become brave enough to ask others for help.

Find people better than you — who will make you better — and combine your desire to push yourself with the surrounding voices of people who demand your best. This is what competitive greatness on the individual-level is all about! This is where self-confidence emerges and faith blossoms.

Vulnerability opens the door to allowing others to help you.

This is such an important distinction, because in order to do truly great things, you need other people to elevate, educate and empathize with you — right where you are.

This can come in the form of hiring a leadership coach or meeting a networking contact, or even attending a local workshop where you find someone who has previously been in your shoes.

Acceptance is really a catch-all for accountability, acknowledgement and increased peace of mind that allows you to move forward with confidence and conviction. The evolution of life is omnipresent, and yet so often we reject the changing winds of existence because we simply don’t want to face what’s next.

There’s inertia in staying stuck where we are, yet we get too comfortable with a lack of progress.

And for what?

Is it a lack of thought or lack of action?

The relationship is reciprocal, and the lack of results glaring. We get bothered by not bothering, and we become worried about our future by not worrying enough to change our present.

The problem with a lack of progress is that we don’t ever truly accept it, even though we live it. Staying stuck actually takes us backwards. How can we move forward onto bigger and better “next's” when we keep beating ourselves up about past failures, mistakes and setbacks?

How can we get powerful, tangible results when we live in fear — with limiting beliefs about what is possible?

Acceptance means coming to peace with your past, all that has transpired, and all that has led you to the moment that you’re in. Acceptance means a willingness to embrace an action plan — a game plan — that is engineered to yield powerful outcomes because its foundation is in the results you desire.

This plan is applicable to any endeavor that you choose.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” — Paulo Coelho

Want to be a chief executive officer? You’ll get there more efficiently if you have a plan and process in mind for what you want to do.

Want to be a top sales leader? To see it through you’ll need a plan that you back up with persistence and diligence.

The point is, great results are born from accepting yourself for who you are, right where you are at that point in time. When you do, you’re able to highlight your strengths, as well as the areas where you need to improve. Complementing this with vulnerability, you’re now very open-minded, humble and versatile enough to make your next move really count.

The will to change is best qualified by saying — the will to change your mindset into a powerful blend of positivity, faith, confidence and resolute force that becomes indestructible. This is all about your mindset and how you approach every hour of each day. You have to tackle the tasks in front of you with a dedicated belief, commitment and purpose.

You have to see them through to completion, because each gain that you lock-in empowers you to progress to the next task in front of you.

That is how you begin to get the biggest results of your life. If you find yourself right now thinking, “I know I’ve been successful — but I don’t always feel successful on most days. I know something bigger and better is out there, but I just keep kicking the tires on HOW to get there…”

Then rest assured, you’ve joined the club of millions.

The truth is, I was there myself once, too. And I fought to reclaim the life I wanted to live on my terms. I’m proud to say that I’ve lived it and done it and now I help others live their dreams on their terms. It’s not such a crazy idea, really. You can, too. The key is to convince yourself that you can, even when you don’t immediately see the rewards of your hard work.

Just know, most everyone builds in the name of achieving results. The problem is that most people miss the forest for the trees by not having a plan. You must have a plan. That starts with reigniting your passion and recognizing the key ingredients that you need to set the foundation for your biggest and boldest results.

Don’t get angry, frustrated or upset.

Begin today and re-imagine the world you’ve always known you can create.

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I’ve listed four values that have helped me immensely as I’ve grown as a businessman and family man. You can build your success around these values, too.

When the going is good in life, we tend to have this feeling of invincibility. Nothing can stop me! Then, reality hits: that feeling never lasts forever. Tough times strike. Hardship comes into our lives. We begin to struggle and suddenly, it’s a lot more difficult to move forward.

This is why any short or long-term strategy for life should revolve around a set of core values that help position us for any external conditions. Tough times will come and go. Tough people last. Tough people — ones who can weather any storm — always have a strong core value structure.

Values give definition, clarity, and foundation that provide us with a game plan — a strategy for how to succeed, find happiness, and navigate life’s peaks and valleys. We tend to handle the good times in life, just fine. When we’re in our “zone,” we keep accumulating the good things — sort of like a real-world version of Nintendo Mario on his “magic star” stroll.

The bad times come and sometimes linger. A death in the family. The loss of a job. Failure in a personal endeavor. Far too often, we run away from these circumstances — mentally and emotionally. We bury our heads in our smartphones, pray for metaphorical rain, and hope that while we’re getting soaked, eventually, the storm will blow over. When we’re “ready.”

Let me dispense some wisdom I hope will help you through your tough time:

Embrace the tough times. When you do, you place value on how you can learn from suffering and come back stronger. You’ll master one of life’s most valuable skills. As you go along, you may find that in order to improve, you need not always try harder, but rather to think and work smarter.

I’ve listed four values that have helped me immensely as I’ve grown as a businessman and family man. You can build your success around these values, too.

FAITH

“If you don’t fall, how are you going to know what getting up is like?” — Steph Curry

We’re best positioned to place faith both in ourselves and in something greater than ourselves. For me, that “something” is God. We cannot control every outcome in life. The more we try, the more we come to this realization. Eventually, we have to give-in to trusting that things will work out.

The story of how Stephen Curry became one of the best players in the NBA is at its heart, a story of faith. Curry was lightly recruited out of high school. Small Davidson College, local to his Charlotte upbringing, decided to take a chance on him. Boy, did it pay off. Curry became a superstar in college and attracted the attention of NBA executives.

But still, many doubted. They continued to doubt even after Curry became the seventh overall pick in the 2009 NBA Draft. Too short. Not strong enough. Curry turned to his faith to outlast the critics and surpass anyone’s expectations. Through all his personal and professional trials, Curry’s faith has made him one of the best players in the world. And one the strongest, most confident people.

PERSEVERANCE

“In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.” ~ H. Jackson Brown

No challenge is too tough for the person who is resolute in mind and spirit. A great example of this is a young woman I recently had the pleasure of meeting who was involved in a motorcycle accident. She could have kept blaming everyone and everything for why she is now a paraplegic. And in the beginning, she was angry. Frustrated. Bitter. Resentful.

But then, she dug in. She realized she had a whole life ahead of her. Now? She’s on her way to continuing her pursuit of becoming a medical doctor. She’s found light, not darkness, by embracing adversity. We all have a choice in life. We can give up or keep going. We always have a choice. No one will ever take that way from us. Keep going.

INTEGRITY

Integrity is all about staying true to yourself. In the aftermath of a major life difficulty, whether it be a car accident or loss of a job, the worst thing you can do is start blaming yourself. It’s best to turn inward to your core values — to the inner DNA of the true self that’s guided you through good and bad times before.

Adversity challenges our emotional intelligence. It makes us start doubting, fretting, and thinking we’re not capable. It’s precisely in these moments that values like integrity serve as our backbone, reminding us that we’re bold, strong, and full of character. When you live a life of integrity, you find happiness in all of life’s moments.

Emotionally intelligent leaders honor their word and lead with integrity in all they do.

DISCIPLINE (SELF-CONTROL)

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” — Thomas Edison

Know what you can control and understand what is best left to faith. Discipline is the decision-making mechanism that guides us throughout our lives. Willpower is what comes from a life well-lived. An earned way of thinking, doing, and being by repetition and adherence to a belief system that has universally accepted morals and values.

When Thomas Edison was confronted with failure in his inventions, he didn’t give up. There’s a reason why we know his name today and appreciate him as one of the world’s great inventors. He kept going. He had the discipline, faith, and perseverance necessary to keep striving toward something new. The same can be said for Elon Musk. He has the core discipline to believe in what he’s doing and doesn’t let setbacks or disappointments discourage him.

Always prepare and take the time to confront any adversity with a winner’s mindset. If you’re operating with positive conviction and belief in yourself, you’re more than halfway there. In fact, you’re far ahead of the pack.

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Values are the foundation you should build your life on. They will bring you happiness as life changes around you. Follow these four values and you will live the life you want.

Join my newsletter for emotional intelligence and productivity content! and Check out my Amazon bestseller, Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader.

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Leaders and organizations are looking for the top qualities that make up a successful workforce. As study after study continues to show us- many employees, in particular millennials and Gen Z, highly value wellbeing in the workplace. Great cultures begin with people. The best employees are engaged, motivated and purpose-driven.

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What I've learned in my work with organizations is that individual job performance is clearly impacted by the culture the organization cultivates, and certainly by each leader's direct interactions with their teams. When you have a manager who communicates effectively, works to build relationships and lifts people up, you're empowering your people to focus on being the best they can be in their roles. This is preceded by the organization fostering an environment with a positive culture and energizing people will wellbeing programs, active engagement in strategizing ideas and asking them what they need.

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To increase engagement, give your people the latitude to be themselves. Provide training to managers that help them to see the big picture- not just driving the next task to completion. Have regular 1:1's, use team meetings to get to know people, allow them time for career growth. And remember this as a leader-- EVERY touchpoint is an opportunity to craft a unique relationship and help someone to grow.

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What have you found works as a leader to increase engagement among your employees?

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Leadership is a contact sport. Initiating conversations, creating an emotionally intelligent culture and connecting with your people is what leads to employee wellbeing. This leads to people wanting to be a part of what you're building.