Instinctively, we always seek to gain control. We may not think of it as such, but ask yourself this question: what does it feel like to not have influence or control over a situation? It’s an uncomfortable feeling. It makes us feel helpless.

The more I’ve evaluated my conduct and thought impulses in relationships over the years, the more I’ve come to understand how much I crave control. It’s human and natural. But there are consequences. When we live with the results of a mindset conditioned toward control, it ends up backfiring on us.

Emotional Intelligence and Influence

“Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.” — Dale Carnegie

What do you crave having control over most? Money? Time? Someone else’s decisions? As an author of two books, I recognize how much I crave time in solitude for using my creative imagination. What resonates most for you?

Take a step back in reflection and you’ll realize no one likes being controlled by another person. We do, however, like to be influenced. Influences begin in our thoughts which are imbued by emotions. The more we lead with self-awareness and empathy, the better we are for someone else.

In order to progress in our relationships, we are far better suited to aim for influence over outcomes, as opposed to striving for control over things we cannot control. By working toward influence in relationships, we gain new insights, develop empathy and practice listening with greater intention. We genuinely want to understand another human being.

That makes both us and the object of our affection better.

At the intersection of understanding our emotions and influence, we find greater insights into how to improve our relationships. Dr. Alex Lickerman shares his thoughts on the topic of emotions in relationships and how the power of influence makes a big difference:

The price of having satisfying relationships, then, lies in the fact that others will often not do as we want, frustrating us, yes, but also challenging us to become our better selves. And if we succeed in becoming those, we may, through the power of influence, help them to become theirs.

Six Key Principles of Relationship Influence

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. — Thomas Merton

35 years ago, Dr. Robert Cialdini wrote a landmark book entitled, “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.” In this book, he highlights six key principles of influence:

• Reciprocity
• Consistency/Commitment
• Social Proof
• Authority
• Liking
• Scarcity

All six of these principles help you to gain influence that leads to healthier, happier relationships. How do you plan to find the person you want to marry or enter into a long-term partnership with? All of these relationships scenarios require the power of influence!

Reciprocity

Reciprocity is about doing something kind or generous for someone else, in the hopes that gesture may be returned in kind. I only try to do things that are genuinely in rhythm with my heart and mind’s desire. I want to help my wife. I want to do nice things for my friends. I love it when they return the favor, though I make every effort to give without expecting anything in return.

This is a servant leader’s mindset and it’s one seasoned with empathy and love.

Consistency/Commitment

Commitment is absolutely critical in relationships, so there’s no wonder we consciously work to commit to our partner or friend. Commitment is about gaining “buy-in” and trust from another person, by showing yourself to be trustworthy and honest. Commitment also involves eliminating distractions and focusing on what matters most to you and your partner.

Social Proof

Social proof is a relational currency of “peer pressure.” Social proof influences and inspires us to do good for someone else — to build a powerful, lasting relationship — because we observe that person, or others, doing the same. We want to do that which we hold in high esteem and observe to be compassionate and loving.

Authority

When aiming to influence, authority is often the most important factor. In the context of relationships, it means making a commitment to someone or doing something more lasting that shows confidence. In emotional intelligence, this is about self-management and the nuances of social skills to show someone that you are confident capable and able to be trusted in a relationship.

Liking

For liking, this is all about self-awareness. Sensitivity and self-awareness toward our emotions and the emotions of others. Furthermore, it’s the ability to use that awareness to help better manage our responses to ourselves and others. The more we influence our emotions — and the emotions of others — with positive thoughts and altruistic actions, the more we are liked.

Scarcity

Scarcity influences our behavior by often citing a diminishing amount of time or a limitation in some capacity. In relationships, we often hear, “I can’t wait forever,” when it comes to a partner waiting for a proposal. I suppose the same words could be used by my wife when I’m lagging behind to get ready in the morning!

Scarcity influences behavior by impressing importance on the value of time.

We all need methods to influence. Don’t mistake influence for manipulation. It’s far from it. Influence is an effort to gain alignment and unification with another person in a relationship. It begins with emotional intelligence.

Strive for this over control. Your desire to influence should tie back to your core values, innate personal desires and a call to do good. Follow this and you will live a life true to yourself.

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“I will not let anything get in the way of me and my competitive enthusiasm to win.” — Michael Jordan

Motivation isn’t fluff. It’s the fuel that will power your biggest goals and dreams. We’ve seen this in the outstanding documentary on ESPN, “The Last Dance” which prominently features former Chicago Bulls superstar, Michael Jordan. Jordan is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player — and athlete — to ever live. His secret was self-motivation.

​What separated Jordan from every other player wasn’t just his desire to win. It wasn’t just his desire to be the best. What made Jordan the all-time greatest player was the unquenchable fire and self-motivation that powered him from one incredible achievement to the next. The man absolutely refused to be held down for long.

He was cut from his high school varsity basketball team while a sophomore at Laney HS in Wilmington, NC. He played at the junior varsity level that season and dominated, but did not join the varsity team until his junior year. Incredible, yes, as it’s a wonder the Laney HS boys varsity basketball coach kept his job!

The bigger picture is part of the mystique of why Jordan became the player he did.

Being told he wasn’t good enough for varsity-inspired Jordan to work harder than ever before. He practiced for several hours each day, all throughout the year, and used this experience as the turning point of his life. Jordan owned self-motivation and hard work like few people ever have. He willed himself into becoming the best.

He played with a burning desire, showing a fire for basketball that fueled his rise to the top of the game.

3 Ways Michael Jordan Became the Greatest Ever

​Michael Jordan wasn’t the greatest because he was the most talented. He wasn’t perfect. He got knocked down repeatedly and chose to get up each time. He failed many times so that he could succeed triumphantly. He once famously said:

“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Jordan’s motivation manifested itself in the preparation that went into wanting to be the best and win. The fact is, not everyone was willing to put in the work the way Jordan did. His legendary inner-motivation led to a fiercely competitive desire that fueled every ounce of his preparation.

Here are three ways motivation and mindset fueled Jordan to become the greatest athlete ever:

1. Jordan used his failures and losses to fuel him for his next challenge

After losing three consecutive years to the Detroit Pistons in the NBA Playoffs, Jordan made the Pistons the object of his incredible self-motivation to overcome, win and reach his goals. Starting in 1991, he won his first NBA title and went on to win six championships in the next eight years.

2. He practiced and worked harder and longer when he realized he wasn’t getting the results he wanted

Jordan was an incredible individual talent, but he wasn’t winning championships after six years in the league. He started working harder and putting in more time with his teammates in the gym. His legendary work ethic made players like Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant and B.J. Armstrong better.

3. Jordan respected his competition, but always viewed himself as the best and visualized himself winning

Jordan feared no man. He saw himself as the greatest. He practiced and worked hard so he could be the greatest. He fed his mind powerful, positive affirmations and visualized himself winning MVP’s, championships and scoring titles. He achieved all of these things many times over.

​Motivation as Your Guide

It cannot be understated just how important motivation is on your journey to success. Motivation leads to consistency, discipline, desire, enthusiasm, and strengthens your willpower. Motivation goes far beyond extrinsic factors like money, the proverbial “corner office,” or even what you think others might think of those benefits.

​Motivation can be integrated into your morning routine, as well as the thoughts, words, and ideas that propel you forward to doing great work.

Motivation provides you with a foundation of desire, love, and enjoyment for spending time with your family and the people you care about most.

Of course, motivation alone won’t make you happy, successful, or fulfilled. But it’s a foundational element of living the life you want. It’s part of the core of emotional intelligence. It’s truly about the fire that burns bright inside you, and how you link that to beneficial and worthy causes for the greater good.

Jordan’s Ascent to the Top

It took Michael Jordan seven years in the NBA before he won his first championship. Prior to reaching the mountaintop of professional basketball, he was physically, mentally, and emotionally beaten down by his peers. And for some people, that would have been enough to submit to feeling like they weren’t good enough.

Jordan, on the other hand, was slowly churning with a motivation that would reach its apex in the early 1990s when he began to take over the basketball world and win championships every season. That flame was never extinguished. Jordan’s legendary motivation fueled his competitive desire to always be the best and give his best in each moment.

Motivation was the secret of Michael Jordan’s success. It’s why we remember him today as the greatest athlete of all time. When you can couple motivation with a positive attitude, hard work ethic, and consistency, you can achieve anything. This is the example of Michael Jordan. It’s ours to follow if we’re willing to take up the gauntlet.

Learn how to use motivation to your advantage: http://chrisdconnors.com